Too Far Now
by OuroborosSnyder
Summary: This is my take on the news about one of them being 'killed off.' This takes place after season 8. Rated T. Warning: Character Death...Maybe times 2. Please read authors note inside for more info and warnings. Now Complete!
1. Chapter 1: Life's Too Short

**Title:** Too Far Now

**Show:** LOCI

**Pairing:** It's BA but…um…just read.

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**Rating:** T Plus. Very graphic, alcohol, death, etc.

**Spoilers:** None really. This is more in regards to the news about one of them being killed off.

**Authors Note:** I've been in a very depressing mood lately. Life sucks. What's knew? When I'm depressed the story can only be written in one genre; angst. I started this about a two weeks ago. This is set in the time frame around, eh, the end of season 8. Kind of my response to the news about Criminal Intent. And, as far as I'm concerned they can shove it!

**Summary:** Tragedy strikes. Character death; maybe times 2. I haven't decided yet. I'm still writing it.

**CHAPTER: 1 Life's Too Short**

It wasn't a routine arrest; although what's a routine arrest nowadays anyway. But they'd done it more times then they could count. They even took extra precaution with this man. They couldn't loose him; it was unacceptable for him to escape. He was wanted for murder in five states; Washington, Oregon, California, Idaho, and Nevada. After ending his murder spree on the west coast, he fled to New York hoping to disguise himself and start over; start over with life or cold blooded murder, no one was sure.

He wasn't your average murder suspect. He was college education, had a good stable job in Seattle, Washington until something went wrong. He lost it. Something in his life set him off. He went on a killing spree and was able to make it to New York without the state police, in any of the five states, catching him. The NYPD was following up on a tip of someone living in an apartment complex fitting his description.

Dozens of police officers swarmed the apartment complex he rented under a pseudonym. Alex, Bobby, and Ross were among the officers involved; in fact, they were the first to arrive on scene. They waited until a few more officers arrived before they even thought about entering the building. After the perimeter was surrounded, they entered. As they came up the stairs and onto the 3rd floor, Ross led the pack. At the time, Bobby didn't think twice about it. He let his boss lead the way and followed not far behind. Apparently this was somewhat personal for Ross; somehow he knew one of the victims.

Bobby never did find out how.

As they rounded the corner and came near the murder suspects' apartment door, Ross pounded on the door once. That's as far as he got. He wasn't even able to yell 'Police!' The man was ready for them.

It was such a fucking rookie mistake. He exposed himself to the man even if it wasn't his entire body. It was enough.

The sound of gunfire rang throughout the entire apartment. Officers hit the floor in every which direction. The entire door was blown apart within a matter of seconds including part of the door frame. The son of a bitch was waiting for them with a shotgun in hand. He was tipped off and he didn't care who he took out. He knew the _game _was up. After firing several shotgun shells, he turned a 9mm on himself in the head. He was dead before he hit the ground.

Everything happened so fast. Bobby remembers everything. He remembers how everything went silent within a matter of seconds. It was eerie it was so fucking silent; it felt like that whole world had gone quiet. He remembers hearing a 9mm go off. He remembers, even before checking himself, looking over in the direction where Alex laid. Thankful she was looking over at him, he nodded towards her and she nodded back. It was all the confirmation he needed for now. He also remembers quickly looking around the corner from where he lied on the ground to see their suspect dead; a pool of blood already forming around his body.

And then, as Bobby got up on his knees, he saw it.

There was so much blood. He was covered in it. He'd never seen so much, not even at a crime scene; especially on a live person. Blood was spattered in every which way. He wiped at the front of his bullet proof vest but to no avail. There wasn't really a point to it except to check himself. There was just too much for it to be his. He glanced up and immediately found the source of the blood.

He couldn't control himself as he turned to the side, still on his knees, and threw up what little contents he had in his stomach.

He couldn't believe he had missed it before but there was so much debris, so much _destruction._

He thought he heard Alex say something, maybe even vomit herself, but he wasn't sure. He couldn't look. He was too fucking _sick._ And he was too numb to be embarrassed; he was too paralyzed and in shock to fucking care about anything.

And no officer was going to judge him for it either. Most had been there or near the point of breaking before.

Noise started to pick up in the hallway again. Police officers rounded the corner where the bomb-like sound occurred not 30 seconds ago. Some officers turned their heads, others ran in the opposite direction, vomiting. Bobby could hear a few rookies from around the corner throwing up their lunch. It made his stomach churn; like a violent washing machine turning out of control. It hurt. It scared him.

"Don't touch him." Bobby growled at one of the officers who started to reach down.

Alex had finally gotten to her feet but was utterly still. She had her hands covering her face. She, too, had blood on her; not nearly as much as Bobby though.

Bobby got up and walked over to where Captain Ross' body laid. There were pieces of the door covering him which Bobby softly removed to expose the true damage that had occurred to him.

"He was dead before he hit the ground." One of the officers murmured to another officer.

In an instance, Bobby had that officer slammed up against the wall.

"B-Bobby…" Alex shakily said.

"Leave." Bobby snarled.

"W-What?" The frightened officer asked.

"Get the fuck out. Now!" Bobby roared to the officer whom quickly complied.

It was true though. Half of Ross's face was missing, debris was stuck in it; his bullet proof vest did no good. There was no point in checking for a pulse, but he knew it was protocol to do so. Slowly Bobby walked over to his body and reached down. There was nothing. He pulled his two fingers back which were now coated in his boss's blood; similar to his other hand.

Everything from here on out happened so quickly. He was taken out by the police chief he thinks. He remembered hesitantly leaving the hallway. He can't remember the order in which everything happened. He recalled Alex by his side the entire time. He wasn't sure if it was because she felt lost and had no where else to go, that she needed to be with Bobby, or that she was afraid to leave him. He didn't ask either way. He didn't speak. He didn't fucking _care _at the moment. He also remembered sitting on the back of an ambulance and getting a few stitches in his forehead from where some debris hit him but he didn't care. A scratch wasn't going to kill him. Bobby remembered staring down at all the blood on him. Someone from CSU came and took his vest and shirt he was wearing underneath it. He didn't know what the fuck was the point but he complied numbly. He heard sirens fill the streets, people talking, cameras flashing, news and media reporting, but everything seemed to go deathly silent again. It was then that he looked up and saw a body bag being wheeled out.

Bobby stood up stunned. He couldn't blink; he couldn't breathe. Rarely had there ever been a body removed so quickly.

_I guess there's not much to investigate here. _Bobby thought. _It's over._

Bobby tried to walk over to him but his feet would not budge. They felt so heavy; like his shoes were filled with cement. He was unable to move. He watched as they loaded his boss's body into the coroner's vehicle. He continued to watch and after a few minutes, the car slowly drove away.

He was suddenly very angry. There was no hospital to go to. There was no time to prey to god to save a man's life. Nothing. It was over before anyone knew what had happened. There was no time to react or wish they had done things differently. There was no _hope._

And for some reason, Bobby looked to be taking it the hardest. They, Ross and Bobby, had their differences, sure, but they both still respected one another. No matter how much of an ass Bobby thought Ross could be at times, he'd never wished this upon anyone.

Bobby looked over in the direction where Alex was. She was still standing next to him, but he was staring right past her. He looked to be miles away. She reached over and gripped his arm firmly; for once allowing herself to touch him, to try and comfort him. She didn't give a damn who saw. He glanced down at her but he felt nothing. And Alex swore she saw a tear in his eye that was threatening to fall. She couldn't recall ever seeing him cry before. It scared her.

Before she could say anything to him, he pulled his arm away from her grip and said, "I need to go."

Alex stood their stunned as she watched her partner get into the SUV and take off. She wasn't sure if him leaving her hurt worse than Ross' death or not.

_Did he drive here? How did he get the keys?_

Everything was such a blur as Alex stood in the middle of the street, alone. She swallowed hard and shivered as the lights from the sirens reflected off her wet face as she watched her partner drive further and further away.

* * *

**A/N: Hey guys! *waves* Wow. It's been quite a while since I've posted anything. Ever since I heard the news about VDO and KE's fate, I kind of stop writing (not sure if it was in protest or not). Anyway, I keep getting bugged by a few people to post something so here it is. LOL This is not my best fic but it's one that I've wanted to do and needed to do. There should be 2 more chapters. It won't be too long but please be patient on the update! School is keeping me busy! Please let me know what you think so far...  
**

**-Snyder-**


	2. Chapter 2: The Point of No Return

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**CHAPTER: 2** **The Point of No Return**

Bobby headed home but not before making a quick stop at the liquor store. He stocked up on his favorite choice of alcohol; Glenlivet. He wanted to feel numb and alcohol was the easiest legal way to achieve this sensation.

_Or lack there of._

His self destruct phase quickly kicked in the second he walked into his home. Without a second thought, he opened up the bottle and took a big swig. He pulled the bottle back, looked at it, and then started to cry. Everything was falling apart around him. Everyone is his life that seemed to _matter _was dying. Ross and Bobby weren't the best of friends, but he still considered him a friend. Oddly enough, he felt something was missing now. Slowly, things were starting to disintegrate around him. The thought made him shake.

_I keep losing people. Life just isn't fair. There's so much death._

His thoughts then went to Alex.

_What if I lost her? What if it was her that died today? I can't handle that. That would be the last straw._

He took another long swig of the Glenlivet before setting it on the table. He tossed his gun, badge, wallet, and cell phone on the table and then reached for the alcohol again. With the bottle of Glenlivet in one hand, Bobby made his was into his bathroom. He quickly turned on the shower and stripped of all his clothes. He scrubbed his skin to get any trace of Ross off him. He scrubbed his skin until it felt raw and then he scrubbed it again. He was still crying; though the anger clouded most of the sadness.

Bobby hated to cry but when he did, he always liked to cry in the shower because his tears were not shown through the water coming out of the shower head. Realistically he knew there was no one there to see his tears, but it still made him feel better. He loved how his tears diminished as the water fell down his face and washed them away. To him it was if he wasn't even crying. He learned this _technique _and became quite fond of it when he was a child. He cried in the shower as a kid and soon realized that no one knew the wiser. After a while it became second nature to him. It was easier to hide his tears than to reveal them. Sadly, he lived most of his life with that mindset which in turn made him a lonely man.

But tonight he knew that nothing could cover the sadness that he felt; the sadness that covered his face. It wasn't just about tonight, it was everything combined. His eyes were so dull as he scrubbed his hair the same way in which he'd scrubbed his body. He wanted any and all traces of Ross off of him.

And besides those vague and, in his eyes, meaningless thoughts of his childhood, the entire time he kept thinking, _Why not me? Life's not fair. This is so fucked up. Why couldn't it have been me? Take my life, god. My life is useless._ _I have nothing left to give. Why take a good mans life for no reason? Why not end my useless life?_

It was then that Bobby realized how tightly clenched his jaw was. It hurt. He opened his mouth slightly to release the tension. His teeth were grinding together so hard that it gave him a headache.

Bobby was angry, but more than that he was scared. He was scared that slowly everything was being taken from him. This was god's sick fucking joke. He didn't want to be alone. As selfish as that sounded, he couldn't live without _her. _Rationally he knew he was already _alone, _but at least he had her as apart of his life; even if it was only during working hours.

Bobby rubbed his large paws over his aging face.

His eyes _hurt _he was crying so much. He was so exhausted, he was so sick of all this. This is _not _a normal life. He often wondered what a normal life actually was but he knew he would never get to live one. He knew he wasn't one for _normal _and never would be. It saddened him that he would never know what it was like to be normal, to have a family, to be loved…

He shook his head. He didn't want to feel sorry for himself. It was the last thing he wanted. He had spent too much of his life feeling sorry for himself. He was too old for that crap.

After being in the shower about 10 minutes, he finally got out. He still felt dirty. He still _felt _as though he was covered in his boss's blood. It was an eerie feeling that shook him down to the core.

As he got out of the shower he numbly looked at himself in the mirror. He snarked at the way he looked and then blinked. He felt sick again but resisted the urge to throw up again.

Before drying himself off, he took another long gulp of the Glenlivet he set on the count in his bathroom. He closed his eyes tightly as he welcomed the burning sensation as it traveled down his esophagus.

Stepping into his bedroom he put on a clean pair of boxers, jeans, and a black t-shirt. He went back out into his living room, bottle of alcohol still in hand, where he plopped down on the couch.

For the first time since it happened, he felt nothing. Bobby stared in front of him at no particular thing as his mind went completely blank. He didn't speak, he didn't blink, he didn't move. He just sat there staring at the same place and after several seconds past, his vision started to blur. His body felt so heavy all of a sudden. In these circumstances, which rarely occurred to him is when he felt most at peace. His mind would stop for a brief second, almost as if he was so heavily sedated that it was impossible to think. That's what it felt like, and most of the time Bobby _needed _to be thinking; it's who he is after all. It's what _defined _him as a person, but in these rare times he almost looked at peace with himself. He looked sad as could be, there was no mistake about that, but it was the freedom from it all for just a split second that made it all worth while.

Finally, he blinked. His vision came back and he shook his head to come fully back to reality. He felt again. Everything. And he could do _nothing _about it.

He looked over to the side table to see his bottle of prescription sleeping pills; Ambien CR. He sleeps so infrequently, but when he does it's usually only for a few hours on his couch.

Bobby has anxiety. He can't stop thinking. He worries often though he's never told Eames any of this. He figures she knows. She's smart. She gets him even when he doesn't want her to. Truth be told, it pisses him off at times, but he smiles later down the road because it's a sign that she cares.

His mind races; his thoughts race. If it's not about one thing it's about another. It gets tiring but he's always managed to deal with it; to carry it with him. It's a heavy burden and by some grace of god he's made it this far, to this point. He's not really sure how but he knows the why. Because of her. Always because of her. He knows it sounds stupid, so fucking cliché, but there's no other explanation for it.

But he can't do it anymore. He can't carry on anymore. Everything hurts so fucking much. He knew one day it would come down to this. He was surprised he lasted this long. But after everything that's happened over the past few years, it finally diminished his ability to _feel_. It finally diminished his ability to _care._

And that's when he made the decision. He had to. He didn't have a choice. Rationally, he knew he did; everyone has a choice in life. But he also knew that he had to do this. It was long overdue. He couldn't carry the burden; he couldn't carry on with his disabled life anymore. It was just too hard to function.

_My life's been spiraling out of control for years now. So many things, so much shit, so much death. _

Bobby timidly reached over and grabbed the bottle. He looked at it briefly and then popped the top off the bottle and tapped the side of the bottle until thirteen pills appeared in his palm. He tossed the prescription bottle aside not caring where it landed; not even glancing at it once. He stared at them briefly; he examined the little 'A' on them with a little squiggly mark on it. He nodded at the amount. Bobby had always liked the number thirteen. He thought it brought him luck and was always amused by how many people hated the number. _Some luck. _He thought people were superstitious, and moreover, he liked to be different. Not many people liked the number thirteen. He did.

He tossed them into his mouth and downed them with another gulp of his Glenlivet before he could think twice about it. He then saw his bottle of Xanax sitting next to where the Ambien lied not a minute ago. Without thinking, he opened up that bottle and this time dumped the remaining pills in his hand. There were about 20 pills left from what he guessed without counting them.

_Fuck it. No, fuck this!_

He took them all. He knew what he was doing. He was ready for it. He was done. He'd made the decision to end it. He wanted to leave before anything else could hurt him. He wanted to leave before _he _could hurt anyone else. He wanted to kill himself before anything else bad in his life happened. He couldn't take anymore. The past few years of life had been hell; more so than normal.

And as he swallowed down another large gulp of alcohol, he froze. He was scared again. There had always been one major reason for him carrying on through these tough years.

_Alex._

But it wasn't the thought of dying that he was fearful of; it was the thought, the reality that not even she could keep him from killing himself any longer. He loved being around her, working with her, and that kept him going. Not anymore, though. Not even the thought of waking up and talking to her could keep him from committing such a sinful act this time. That's when he knew how far gone he truly was.

His head titled downwards as if his head was too heavy for his neck.

_What if Alex is the next one to die on me? What if this was the final nail in the coffin for me? What if she decides to leave Major Case because of this? I wouldn't blame her, but I can't. I just can't take that chance. I can't hear those words from her. I can't stand in front of her and listen as she tells me she's leaving. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to be happy anymore; and I gave up trying to fake being happy long ago._

And he'd thought about suicide long before this incident. Who wouldn't with the fucked up life he's been living? But he always, always pulled himself out of the 'rock bottom' he always seemed to fall into and got back on his feet. Not this time, though. He didn't want to this time.

And in these temporary lapse's of judgment he's had before, he'd even thought about a suicide note; one final note of farewell. But he never knew what to write. What would be considered too long? What should a letter of such _importance _entitle? Should it be short, sweet, and to the point? And he never knew what to say to her in that letter anyway. He knew it would be written just for her to read, but there was no way he could express himself in words on a piece of paper. There were no words to express how grateful he was for her sticking by his side all these years.

The thought of him thinking about a note, his previous suicidal thoughts, and her, always _her,_ made his tears fall once again.

Bobby figured he'd better stop drinking before he puked up his _plan, _but he just couldn't. He couldn't seem to stop his hand from bringing the bottle up to his mouth; it was already half gone. He was surprised by this.

He sat on the couch waiting for the inevitable to happen. He tried not to think about Ross, Alex, his mother, Nicole, Declan, or anyone else. He failed. He thought about all those people. He closed his eyes to try to block them out, but their faces flashed before him. He re-opened his eyes because he knew no matter how hard he tried to block out the people that affected him the most, he never could.

And what made it worse is he kept hearing a voice; just one. He kept hearing _her_ voice.

_Eames._

And no matter how much he'd try to shake the sound, the thought of her, the disappointed look in her eyes, he couldn't. But he had to. He had to end it. It had to be this way. If he continued to think about her, he knew he'd feel worse.

Bobby stood up wearily and made his way into the kitchen. He went over to one of the drawers and opened it. He pulled out a single picture and slammed the drawer shut. He stood there and admired it for a few minutes. It actually brought a faint smile to his face. It wasn't a picture of any of his family…it was the picture of him and Alex. It was the snapshot he took of them together during a case years ago. He wasn't smiling in the photo but he almost looked _happy _in it. He remembered feeling happy in that time. He loved looking at this picture. He often wondered if Alex had thought about it and even speculated as to whether or not he should show her sometime, but dismissed the idea as being ludicrous.

As he stood there staring at the picture, time seemed to standstill. It sounded so cliché but it was true. Everything seemed to be on pause.

_God, I'm going to miss her. _

In this time he felt like this was his last goodbye to the world he'd been residing, not living, just residing in. Bobby couldn't help but wonder if, where ever he ended up after this life, he'd remember her.

He finally started to become drowsy. He knew the Xanax was working; it's a fast-acting drug. Slow reflexes, confusion, breathing problems, and coordination problems were likely to occur any time. He knew all of this. And he wasn't stupid; he knew what he was doing was life-threatening. It was the point after all. Overdose symptoms are more likely to occur if Xanax is combined with alcohol or other medications; he just hoped he wouldn't throw them up.

_I know what to do. I know, I know, I know. _He knows it all. And suddenly he feels that he's read too much in his lifetime. It was a ridiculous thought but all he seemed to think about was the things he did wrong in his life. Nothing good came to mind and he frowned because of it.

He decided it was best to go back to the couch. He started to make his way over to it when he heard a knock on his door. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his eyes and his mind, but he was still dizzy. He quickly opened them back up before he keeled over. He wanted to ignore it, but the pounding began. At first he thought it was in his head; he wished it was.

And then he heard her.

"Bobby?"

_Oh, god, no. Not her._

He shouldn't have been surprised, but he was. He thought for sure she'd leave him alone after the way he left her last.

And that's when he began to panic. Boy, did he begin to panic; at least as much as his body would allow. His entire frame was slowly starting to shut down and he didn't want her here when it happened. He didn't want her anywhere near him.

"Go away, Eames." He hollered as he tried to sound convincing.

_Oh, great, _Alex thought. _He's already drunk. That didn't take long. _

She was prepared to deal with a saddened or perhaps even an angry Robert Goren, but not a drunk one. She wasn't sure if she could handle him; physically anyway.

"I'm not leaving until you let me in." She yelled from the other side of the door.

And his next words were the ones that made her pull out her spare key to his place and let herself in.

"Please." He said. His voice, his tone was way off. He was begging her to comply. "Please, just leave." His voice was so hoarse. It was nothing like she had ever heard before. Even in the saddest of times in his life, he never sounded like this.

And she didn't ask. She didn't wait. She opened the door and let herself in just in time to see him fall hard onto his kitchen floor. He sprawled out, landing with a thud as the bottle of Glenlivet now lied on the floor next to him as some of the contents poured out.

"Bobby!" She shouted and ran over to him.

"I'm sorry, Eames. I'm so sorry." He murmured. And then he said something that sent a chill through her. "Goodbye, Alex."

He closed his eyes the same time as a tear fell from his cheek and onto the floor.

* * *

**A/N: Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry this has taken me so long to update. I never take this long. I've been busy with school and have been going through some difficult things. I was getting ready to work on it again when I ended up in the emergency room a few nights ago. I'm still trying to work out some things, but here's what I have right now. Once again, I'm sorry. Please enjoy and forgive any errors I may have in here. The medication I'm on makes me very tired so it's hard to concentrate right now. Please leave me a review and let me know if you're still out there.**

**Also, I know I've used Xanax and Ambien before in a story. What can I say, it's my choice of drug for him. Ha Ha. Anyway, the next chapter should be the last. Thanks.**

**-Snyder-**


	3. Chapter 3: The Inevitable Cure

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**CHAPTER: 3 The Inevitable Cure**

"Bobby!" She yelled and grabbed him by the shirt. She yanked with all her might as the tears streamed down her face. "Bobby!" Alex knew this wasn't just the result of drinking too much. She could tell from the look in his eyes right before he closed them. "What the hell did you do? What did you take?" She screamed.

She panicked; she was already on the phone with a 911 dispatcher. She wasn't going to waste any time. Alex quickly gave the information to the dispatcher as she looked down at her partner lying lifeless on the floor.

"Bobby, goddamn it!" She said and slapped him hard across the face. "Open your eyes you son of a bitch!"

It was then that she saw the photo he was loosely holding in his hand. She was about to pick it up or perhaps say something, she didn't really know, when she noticed movement.

Bobby tiled his head to the side and slowly opened his eyes. He didn't want to, but he did. Something told him he had to. Once they were open again, she grabbed back onto the front of his shirt. The look he was giving her unsettled Alex. His eyes looked so hollow. They looked so fucking empty. He had that look in his eyes she had when her husband died. He had that look where he knew he was going to die and there was nothing she or anyone else could do about it.

She gasped. He heard her. She wanted to wake up from this nightmare anytime now, but she knew this was real; she knew it all too well. She knew the feeling and that feeling was slowly killing _her _too.

"I'm s-sorry." He whispered.

He suddenly wished he would have just shot himself instead. He knows the right away to do it; the correct angle. He briefly wondered why he decided to go with the pills.

_Slower? Harder? Self-torture? More poetic? _

He didn't know. He figured it was just a matter of opportunity; of access since they were sitting right there.

"Bobby, what did you take?" She desperately asked once more.

The dispatcher was encouraging her to talk to him while the paramedics were on route. He saw the look on her face, an expression no words could _ever _describe. And couldn't lie to her. He loved her. He loved this woman so very much. He ached for her.

"Ambien 'n Xanax." He hoarsely answered.

She repeated it into the phone and then asked him how many. She looked backed down to see his eyes starting to close once more.

"Bobby!" She shouted. Alex watched as his eyes slowly opened once more and she repeated, "How many?"

_How many? How many? How many? _

The words seemed to repeat over and over again. He didn't want to answer her. He just wanted to close his eyes and _die. _But she kept talking. She kept shaking him. She wouldn't leave him alone. She wouldn't let him _rest. _He was amazed how much she could lift his hefty upper body up since he had ample weight.

And she kept distracting him from his imminent death.

_Was that possible? _He suddenly wondered. _Because, if so, she's doing a pretty damn good job of it._

"13 Ambien and…and…I don't know how many…."

"Estimate, Bobby. Think."

"About…" He whispered and closed his eyes.

"Goren!" She bellowed.

She shouted his last name this time. It sounded off to him. After hearing her scream his first name so many times, Goren sounded just…wrong. He liked when, on those rare occasions, she used his first name.

"20." He finally murmured.

He dared to open his eyes to see her reaction. In that moment he wished he'd never opened them. No matter how much she begged him, he should've kept them closed. The pain in her eyes was unbearable. He felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. It was the worse feeling in the world to watch the one you love sit there and watch you die. It was like she _knew; _she just fucking knew she was going to lose another friend today. Except, he was more than a friend and she was _never _able to speak of it. She was never able to tell him.

Alex physically froze for a second. Bobby closed his eyes so he didn't have to look at her anymore. He looked ashamed even through the affects of the drugs. The dispatcher on the other line brought her back to reality. She murmured the amount into the phone and then waited. She heard the sirens down the road and she prayed.

"Bobby, hold on. Do you hear me? Hold on."

He struggled to even move his lips now. His entire body felt numb. Oddly, he felt relaxed.

"Doesn't matter." He whispered.

_Nothing matters anymore._

And even as he lied there slowly slipping away, he couldn't tell her. It was on the tip of his tongue, he was certainly thinking about it…but he just couldn't. And that only saddened him further. A tear slipped passed his eyelid and down his cheek because he couldn't express himself to her. He couldn't tell her how much he loved her because it was too much of a risk. If he told her he'd run the risk of being rejected and being rejected from Alex would be too much. Even though he knew he was going to die, he still couldn't. So, instead of whispering those three little words to her, he was prepared to die alone; detached and isolated like he'd always been.

The fact was, he was too far gone to be loved. He was too far gone to realize that anyone could love him. He wanted to tell her, just once before he died. He promised himself he would, but the fact that he thought for sure she'd reject him kept him from doing so. He couldn't bare to see the confusion in her eyes as he told her; the disgust that he thought for sure would be apparent on her face. He knew she didn't love him back. No one could love him. He was unlovable. He was damaged and it only worsened over the past few years, and he felt her drifting away from him because of it. He was tainted after all; he didn't blame her.

_I promised myself that no matter what, I'd tell her one day before I died. I have to keep this one promise to myse__lf_…

But just as the thought passed him, his heart stopped; it ceased to beat any longer.

He broke his promise to himself.

Alex reached out and touched his check just before his eyes completely closed while Bobby was lost in his thoughts. Her tears fell as she prayed to god to save this mans life. Even if he didn't want to live, she _needed _him to. She knew it was time to tell him. She needed to tell him before…

"Bobby…" She choked out through the tears. She looked up towards the sky as she said his name. She waited for him to respond but all she got was silence in return.

She looked back down and noticed he was deathly still; his piercing stare no longer gazing at her like it did every time she said his name.

"Fuck, Bobby?! No, no, no, no, no!"

And no matter how much she cried out to him, he could no longer answer her mourning. He could no longer acknowledge her cries to him, for him. He was quickly slipping away from her. Alex was so fucking scared. The whole scene paralyzed her for a split second. There were no words to describe how it felt. She had that tightening feeling, that pain in her chest you feel when something horrible happens. It's the feeling that no one can describe and yet everyone is familiar with. She hates that feeling; more than any other feeling. He was dying right in front of her and there was nothing she could do about it.

The floodgates opened and all of her tears fell as she gazed into his lifeless face; he looked so unhappy.

Alex felt for a pulse and didn't find one. She wanted to scream and give into her urge to just hold him, but she couldn't. She immediately began CPR. She was crying, fucking screaming at him the entire time.

"You better not fucking leave me, Robert Goren. Do you hear me? Bobby!"

_God, Bobby, please!_

She screamed but to no avail. He was gone; astray from this life. There was nothing she could do. She continued CPR until the paramedics arrived a couple minutes later. They hooked him up to their equipment and tried to bring him back to life, shocking his heart a few times, but it was useless. They pronounced him dead exactly 2 minutes after they had arrived.

She couldn't bring him back no matter what she did, no matter how hard she cried, no matter how much she _prayed_. He was gone. No matter how hard she tried, there was no bringing this man back. She cried, she grieved, she fucking hated him and yet she loved him even more at the same time.

And what's worse, she already missed him. She missed him deeply, feeling sick to her stomach, missed him. She missed his eyes. Oh, god, those beautiful eyes. And his smile that made her heart soar in those rare times that he did it. She already missed hearing his soft, gentle voice. She missed everything about him; the good and the bad. She wanted it all, and even imagined that someday she'd have him.

Instead, though, she ended up with nothing.

* * *

**A/N: Oh my god, guys, I'm so sorry. I got so caught up in school and then the past three weeks or so I've been very ill (in and out of the hospital, seeing doctors, etc.) I'm still really sick and the doctors are still running a lot of tests, but I wanted you to know that I'm still out there. I'm trying to work on it as best as I can so please be patient with me. I don't believe in just leaving a story unfinished so I will always finish them even if the updates are far apart.**

**I hope you guys are still out there and still interested in this. I'm trying to finish it before the season premier on the 30****th**** (which is making me nervous). Anyway, I guess there will be one final chapter since I'm having trouble writing the ending. Thanks to all that have reviewed thus far. Please continue to R & R to let me know that you're still there!**

**-Snyder-**


	4. Chapter 4: Following in his Footsteps

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**A/N: **This chapter only gets sadder. Also, just as my little disclaimer, I should say that I do NOT condone suicide.

**Special Thanks To: **2ManyObsessions, chlark4, cifan, dh2930, Flamipoo, GalacticFTW, Gypsy5, Medea Callous, morgancorinthos84, rindy713, superfelix, Tracey Claybon, and Weathergirl.

**CHAPTER: 4 Following in his Footsteps**

A few hours passed, though they seemed like days. Alex was still in Bobby's apartment, sitting on the floor in his kitchen. The paramedics and police had come and gone; taking Bobby's body with them.

There was no note for her. The police looked through his apartment and when they failed to find a note, they informed her. And Alex remembers barely registering what the officer was saying. She just blankly continued to stare straight ahead and managed to nod up and down a few times. She couldn't speak to the officer; she had nothing to say anyway.

And Alex was smart enough to know not to even look for a note. She knew not to even look for one because she knew he wouldn't leave one. She figured he'd thought about it, but knowing Bobby he wouldn't know what to say. With his OCD that he tends to have on several occasions, writing such a note like that would be tiresome and prêt near impossible.

_God, I miss you, you fucked up man, you._

As Alex continued to sit on the floor, her tears still burning as they streamed down her face, she shook. She knew Bobby deserved better than this. He didn't deserve to die on his dark, dirty, cold kitchen floor. He deserved to be happy and be loved. And as much as she was glad that he at least didn't die alone, that she was at least there with him until the end, she knows he _felt_ alone. The thought only made her cry harder. Her muse only made her sicker to her stomach.

_And I never told him. Never. Not once._

And like Bobby, she too had promised herself that one day she would gather up the courage to tell him that she loved him. She too promised herself that she would one day before she died. It didn't need to lead to anything more than just one friend telling another friend that she loved him, though she had thought on numerous occasions that someday they might be together, but she couldn't even do that. She could never let him know.

And the saddest part was, both of them broke their promises to themselves and the result was irreversible. Being afraid and not having enough courage is what kept them from ever loving each other. Her confession, if she told him years or even days ago, is something that might have even saved Bobby's life.

_Oh, god. _ Alex thought. _I could've saved him. I could've saved this man. I could've saved Bobby…If only I told him years ago. It wouldn't be like this then._

She violently shook, and cried like no person had cried before. She broke down once more and her whimper turned in to almost hysteria. She bellowed, shrieked and sobbed in a way that was physically draining. Within a matter of a few minutes, she struggled to cry out any longer because her throat hurt so bad.

And she knew her life was forever changed by this; more so than Joe's death could ever compare to. She knew change was among her and she didn't like it. It scared her to go another minute without him. He filled the room he occupied in a way in which no other man could ever compete with nor compare to. And she loved being in the same room with him from that reason. He had a certain intensity to him that a lot of people didn't understand and sometimes people even feared him, but Alex knew him. She _knew _him and it didn't scare her. His intensity was just apart of his passion; he had so many passions. He was so gentle, so caring, especially about other people, and she loved and hated it when he got too swept up in a case. He took everything so personality. She loved watching him just fucking _care _about something, anything, but she hated what a case did to him. It always took a piece of his heart away. But those extreme, difficult cases he did accept showed the true man he was. But Alex also thinks that it was all the caring, all the fucking cases he put his mind, body, and soul into that eventually ending up killing him.

_It was like he was dead even before he killed himself… How much can a man take after all? _She asked herself.

"Bobby…" She whispered to herself; her body too weak to scream. She wondered where he was now. She wondered if he could see her, hear her. "I never told you. I never got to tell you." She choked out. "You have no idea how long I've waited to tell you." She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees as her sobbing continued. She could never tell him; that knowledge made her ache for him more. "I love you. God, I love you so much, Robert Goren."

She sat there crying for what seemed liked hours more. She had no idea what time it was and didn't really care; she had no place to be. She had no case that Ross called her on which she would go to with her corky partner. All that was just _gone._

Her tears finally seized because her tear ducts were more than likely dried up. She wanted to cry longer, she wanted her tears to fall harder, but they completely seized from falling. She placed her face in the palm of her hands and shook her head.

When she pulled her head out of her hands a few moments later, she looked around her. His apartment still smelled like him, not that it wouldn't. She closed her eyes and wished for him to just appear in front of her. When she opened her eyes, she was yet again disappointed. She shouldn't have been surprised when she found herself to be alone but that was her one final, desperate attempt to make this disaster only a dream. It was her last hope and when all hope fails…

_Alone…I feel so alone._

Heartbroken.

_He left me._

Solitary and abandoned.

_He went too far this time._

Extinct.

_Can I blame him?_

Hatred.

_I can't do this any longer…_

Follow in his footsteps.

_I will…because I can't…_

It was then that she really realized that he was truly gone. This was no dream; and since she couldn't cry, she got angry.

"How dare you leave me, Robert Goren! How dare you! How could you? How could you? How could you…" She roared. "How could you leave me and expect me to carry on without you?" She whispered this time; her tone nothing like it was before.

Her hand seemed to be controlled by another force as it slowly slipped down and landed on her holster. In a trance-like state, she unclipped the holster and pulled out her Glock. She slowly dipped her head down and stared at it briefly, almost surprised to be holding it, but completely understood why she was. She blinked a few times as she tipped the gun to the side slightly and felt her thumb slide the safety off.

"Bobby…" She whispered, but then her mouth hung open. She briefly thought of the consequences of such an act, but quickly realized that without Bobby, life wasn't worth living because it had happened to her_ again_; she had lost another man she loved. Only this time she knew she wouldn't recover. She could never recover from this. His face would haunt her until the day she died.

_I just can't continue on…Oh, god, Bobby… _She thought as her gripped tightened on the gun. _Why did you do this to me? Why did you leave me?_

Alex began to raise the gun up to her mouth. She decided to shoot herself in the mouth because, she too, like Bobby, knew the correct angle. She knew how to do it the correct way without ending up like a vegetable.

And as she put the gun in her mouth, barrel up, she thought about Bobby looking down at her. She knew Bobby would want her to carry on, but she couldn't.

_Did you really expect me to, Bobby? _

"Did you really expect me to, Bobby?" Her voice mirrored her thoughts. "Just remember, I loved you. I still do. I always will. Maybe I'll see you soon…"

And with that, a loud bang echoed throughout the apartment.

Alex had pulled the trigger; one shot into the mouth. Her body immediately slumped to the side as blood immediately poured, no, it gushed from her mouth, nose and back of her head.

As her body went ridged, the same picture, the snapshot of the two of them Bobby was holding when he died slowly slipped out of Alex's now limp hand.

The night was nearing the end and a new day will soon start without the two of them inhabiting this planet. They're both finally free of all the struggles of life, of _their _life and, though they were never together and never explained nor claimed their love for one another, they were together for a long time…as partners. Maybe it was too long. Maybe it was being partnered too long that pushed them too far and over the edge. In the end, more than likely nothing could be done about Bobby's destructive phase, but if Alex had never met him, chances are she'd still be alive today. But that didn't matter to Alex because no matter what, she would always follow Bobby. He was stuck with her; they were always together, and she knew they were meant to be together one way or another. Alex also knew that killing herself was the only way because she couldn't live without him.

But maybe all worked out the way god intended anyway. Everything happens for a reason, and while they're gone from this life, maybe they're together in another. Maybe they found love and happiness up in heaven.

And it was now in the hands of god whether he'd allow two people who committed the sin of suicide to be together after this life.

Either way, we'll never know, but this is what happens when the one you love goes too far…you end up going with them.

You can't help it because you love them too much to go on a journey without them.

And that's just what Alex did. She joined him in another life, on another journey, because she couldn't be without him in this one.

_The End._

* * *

**A/N: Wow. Well that was depressing to write. I think this took everything out of me more than any other story I've written. I'm actually very pleased with this chapter. Well, I told you I always wanted to kill my poor Bobby off, but then I decided to kill Alex off as well. Don't hate me too much. This was a killer final chapter to write. I know a lot of people haven't review this story…I don't know if it's because I killed off Bobby or what, but for those of you that followed me with this story, I thank you. I wasn't too pleased with this story at first but I'm pleased with how it ended up.  
**

**As far as some of the detail of Alex's suicide…well, I've seen many videos and horrible police photos (since I'm a law and justice major) of people taking their life. So I do know a little bit about it. Also, if you know about the whole incident with Budd Dwyer then you must know that I also went a little off of that as well. Remember, Budd Dwyer killed himself during a press conference by shooting himself in the mouth? Well, I've seen that video online and it shows the press conference, him shooting himself, and everything after. I based my writing of Alex shooting herself a lot off that video and just the fact that I do actually know how to do it the correct way (yes there is a wrong way). If you want to see the video (AND I DO WARN YOU THAT IT IS ****VERY****, VERY GRAPHIC), just Google 'Budd Dwyer video' and it's the first website from liveleakdotcom. Once again, I do not condone suicide as a simple solution no matter how my writing may portray those beliefs.**

**Anyway, I hope at least some of you enjoyed this. Not sure if I'll ever do another character death or not. I may stop writing all together since LOCI will be going to hell as soon as VDO and KE leave, but we'll see. Thanks all and enjoy Tuesday's episode of LOCI!  
**

**-Snyder-**


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